


Where I Can't Follow

by demonheathen (feralbunny)



Category: The Last of Us (Video Games)
Genre: Acceptance, Canonical Character Death, Death, F/M, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:29:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29905293
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feralbunny/pseuds/demonheathen
Summary: There are more stages of grief than vengeance.
Relationships: Ellie & Joel (The Last of Us), Joel & Tommy (The Last of Us), Joel (The Last of Us)/Original Female Character(s), Maria/Tommy (The Last of Us)
Kudos: 1





	1. Denial

**Author's Note:**

> This was written immediately after Joel's death and upon twelve hours into TLOU Part II, there will be much more grief writing to come. Ellie's vengeance is absolutely justified.

Ness woke from bed with a jolt, the heavy rapping of knuckles at the front door scaring her awake. She shifted out of bed, grabbing her handgun from the nightstand then her robe from the closet hook. 

A soft fluttering from her stomach made her stop. Ness pressed her free palm to the underside of her protruding belly. "Your daddy probably forgot his keys. But to be safe..."

Ness slipped on her slippers then shuffled out of the bedroom before starting down the stairs. She switched on the foyer light, squinting at the hint of a shadow in the front door glass. The figures were still, more than one. She inched down the hallway, gun pointed at the floor. 

When she got to the front doors, she called out: "Joel? Tommy? That you?"

Ness received no answer; she pulled back the frill curtain hiding the window and made out a distinct glow of red hair. With a relieved exhale, Ness unlocked the door and opened a crack to see Ellie with Dina close behind her. 

"Girls," Ness began, looking at Ellie's busted lip and slightly bruised eye. She had a dark red mark under her chin in the shape of a boot. "You okay? Come in."

Ness opened the door to the two, letting Dina lead Ellie to the living room couch to lie down. 

"Can she stay here a night?" Dina asked. 

Ellie rested on her side, staring catatonically across the dark room. Her hands were folded under her cheek, her eyes catching the light and glistening with tears. 

"Uh, sure. I'm sure Joel will..." Ness said, only to stop at seeing Dina and Ellie flinch at the mention of his name. 

Dina only nodded then excused herself. Ness emptied her gun then set it on Joel's recliner accent table. She moved to sit next to Ellie, to pick up her feet but thought of something better. 

"How about some tea, hmm? It might help you sleep." Ness offered, unsure how to help. 

From the couch, Ellie's head twitched once in a 'no' motion. Ness reached her hand out to tuck a strand of Ellie's wild hair behind her ear. 

"Sweet girl, what's wrong?" She began. The front door opened with a crack and Ness flinched; Maria barged in, staring at Ness sitting by Ellie with a hand on her ruddied cheek. 

"Ellie," Maria began, rushing to the quiet girl's side and kneeling before her. 

Ellie didn't answer or acknowledge either of them; Maria's eyes cut to Ness, her hazel eyes dewy, then stole a glance to her round stomach. 

"Ness, can we talk?"

Ness rationed two cups of water into the kettle then started the stove while Maria stood, her back bracing the nearest wall. 

"Ness," Maria started.

Ness was the least concerned, staring at the heating gold kettle over the low blue flame. Her hand on her belly rubbed, silently communicating with her cradled son through soft pokes. The more she spaced out, the more she thought that Joel would like tea when he got home. 

She knew he was a coffee man but to help him sleep, and he really needed his rest, she'd make him some chamomile. 

"Vanessa," Maria said sternly, her crossed arms dropping to her sides.

Ness snapped to attention, looking over to her friend. "Sorry. What's up?"

"Honey, we gotta talk." Maria added, grabbing a chair from the kitchen table. She sat down heavily and the kettle started wisping out whistles. 

Ness pulled the kettle before it could sing then grabbed two coffee cups from the dish rack. She set the kettle on the table with a pot plate; The one she'd used for that morning was set before Maria, the one Joel used before was set before her chair. 

"Okay, you want some sugar for your tea?" Ness asked, going to the pantry and opening it up. 

"Ness, forget the tea a second." Maria's hand reached across the table then pat for Ness to sit. 

"Oh, so it's serious. If it's about 'Henry', you already know that you're the one I want in the delivery room." Ness sat down at her friend's request with a soft grin. 

"Ness, sweetheart, I want you to take a deep breath, okay?"

Ness's smile persisted. "If this is about middle names, Joel said Ellie gets to pick it."

She searched Maria's face at the stung reaction of Joel's name. Ness furrowed her brows then looked to her friend's hand grasping hers, her thumb coaxing over Ness's knuckles. Suddenly, everything felt like it was shrinking. Ness's face quirked, her smile going strained with a bitten snarl before falling neutral. 

The room held a sudden tilt on its head, the air condensing to a sludge. 

"Vanessa, Joel's..."

"Stop," Ness began, her throat shortening as she snatched her hand away. This was getting to be sick; she felt that the awkward tension was going to cut away as soon as Joel walked through the front door. 

She could hear him now, hear his keys jingling as his boots stamped up the wooden stairs. Ness imagined his tired squint, the heavy shrug of his jacket before he hung it by the door then kicked his shoes off in the living room doorway. 

Ness shut her eyes for a moment, thought about scratching between his shoulders like he liked before he went upstairs to shower. How he'd sit on the bed in his towel and she'd comb her fingers through his damp, graying hair. 

"Just give me a minute," Ness said, opening her eyes to Maria again and standing from her chair. She'd wait however long it took before Joel came through the front door, surprised that his 'baby girl' was lying on the couch almost waiting for him. 

Ness knew that he'd be happy that Ellie was at his house, she never stayed over. He'd be asking questions while he puckered his lips for a welcome home kiss then grabbing a few blankets from the laundry room for Ellie to be comfortable. 

"Vanessa, please," Maria tried, her tone strained but patient. 

Ness shook her head. "No, no. I need a few more minutes, okay? He _will_ be home soon." 

Tears threatened at the cusps of her eyes, a shock of anger and pain snaking along her throat in a cat-scratch fashion. She remembered Ellie in the other room. 

"W-was she?"

"She was there, with him. Tommy, too." 

Ness sniffled once, her face going hard while she folded her lips in. Her arms crossed again, tight, then she held her hand over her mouth. Suddenly, she felt a bout of nausea. This was getting to be cruel. She wanted to ask more questions just to get Maria to falter, for her to find a lie in what she was skirting around. Her body felt torn and adrift, her throat sealing shut though she was ready to keel over and force out a few spasmed coughs. 

_"Do you ever think about having kids?" Ness asked Joel, watching him sit up on his side of the bed. SHe didn't deserve to ask such a thing, especially with how he held onto Sarah for so long._

_He'd before shrugged the thought away; the mere mention of futures such a skin-crawling topic to him. Joel glanced over his shoulder though, offered his most handsome smirk._

_"I'm all for trying," he joked, which led to Ness pinching at his love handle._

_He inched from her punishment, bending down to pull on his jeans with a deep exhale._

_"If, and this is the biggest if in the world," Joel began, looking over at Ness curled up in his bedsheets. "I were to have another kid in this fucked-up new world where there's less security in the future. I'd probably do it now, in Jackson, because there's always someone else if they lost me."_

_Ness smirked dryly at his answer, pulling herself to press her lips to the middle of Joel's back. That was the closest they'd ever gotten to actually talking about it._

_"And I'd want a boy," Joel said, turning around and playfully pinning Ness to the bed. She squealed as his arms caged on either side of her head, leaving him to hover over her._

_"A boy," Ness repeated._

_"And like I said, I'm all for trying." Joel chuckled, earning a few more pinches from Ness._

Ness's hand over her mouth trembled. He had a boy now.

"Wh-where is he?" She asked, her fingers twitching along her cheek. Her eyes narrowed at Maria, freeing the welling tears from her eyes. 

Maria's mouth was open, stammering nothing out. Suddenly, she jumped and Ness realized that her hand slammed onto the table. The hot kettle scooted in Maria's direction, water droplets tempting to escape the spout. 

"Talk, Maria. Where is he?"

She raised her voice, the kicking under her skin picking up again. Her breathing hitched along with her spit starting to thicken to wet cement. "Where is he?" Ness asked again, her voice breaking and her head tilting. Tears were now streaking her cheeks fluidly. 

"Honey, Nessa, please. Take a seat." Maria softly held her hand out for Ness's chair. "Take a few breaths." 


	2. Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ness comes face to face with a stranger.

This was not her Joel. 

Ness wanted to believe that. 

Maria said he was dead, she said the finite word in Ness's face but...for Ness's broken heart, she heard 'hurt'. 

Now though, there was no hurt. Joel wasn't suffering from a busted lip or black eye or a nasty fall. He was brutalized, his face close to unrecognizable with swelling and stitching and closed eyes. 

This was not Ness's Joel. 

She didn't want to know how long he actually suffered, she was already imagining it. By the way the bridge of his nose was bent, how his head looked so oblong and distorted. The person who did this made him suffer. Ness didn't know how to take that. It was hot, like a steel iron baked in a kiln and shoved down her throat then mixing at her insides to make soup. 

Ness tried to breathe, the feeling of air not cooling the boil that was beginning to rise inside her. Her hand took grip of his, curled her fingers and brought his hand to her lips. She wanted warmth, thought back to the moment she stood in the doorway of Maria and Tommy's home and hoped, prayed, willed and begged for Joel to be propped up on their living room couch with an iced ankle. 

What Ness wouldn't give for him to be sat on the couch, lazing about and making Maria give her the fright of her life. What Ness wouldn't give for him to wake up right now, milking it to the very last moment before rasping out a solemn 'gotcha'. 

"Bear," Ness whispered, bringing Joel's limp hand to caress her wet cheek. She leaned in, her elbow bracing the table while her hand ran through his graying hair. "Wake up." 

Ness's other hand scratched softly at his chest, her fingers catching onto the buttons of his shirt. She always liked this shirt on him, it was his signature. She waited, hot tears continuing to roll down her cheeks while she stared at this stranger's face. It was no surprise this person didn't recognize or acknowledge her, Ness didn't know this man before her. 

Joel had the kindest eyes, bright and youthful against the age in his face. They were the last statue of hope beyond a lively grimace of disappointment and survival. This man did not have those eyes; his eyes were closed, more so swollen shut. 

Joel had the sweetest lips, thin and pink like the types of roses Ness loved. She remembered how long he was gone on their anniversary just to find a wild bunch of them, but he could only bring back three stems. He promised to plant some for her one day, one day soon. This man's lips were scarred, cracked and dry from being out in the cold too long. 

This man had no spark of life in him, no beautiful soul and mind three miles long. This man was not capable of grand gestures and birthday surprises and anniversary quests. This man did not go out and somehow find _four_ different guitars in working condition to decorate his workshop. 

This man would not and could not be Joel. 

But it was. 

"Joel, please," Ness pleaded softly into his palm, now slick with her tears. "Wake up. Please." 

Her hand on his chest clenched at his jacket, tugged it closed and hoped he would jolt at that. The fluttering in her stomach picked up and Ness took the hand on her cheek to caress her stomach. 

"Your son wants you to wake up, _I_ need you to wake up." Ness's words were grasping, quivering over the rivers that expelled from her eyes. 

She was now beginning to feel all the hurt. Her feet were sore and throbbing while she shifted her weight back and forth, her hips felt so disgustingly pressed from holding her son and now he was moving his way to cuddle her bladder. Her shoulders, they were heavy and hunched, she wanted to sleep. But she'd never sleep now. 

Ness's hand gripped at his hair, imagined every singular strand that curled the same way around her finger. Black, black, black-grey, grey, black. She wanted to count the hairs, the gray ones in his head. This was them getting old together. 

This was it for that. 

Ness was just pushing 40, she was never expecting to live the rest of her days without Joel. She hoped, in the most morbid of ways, that they'd end up together in death. Nothing short of a Romeo and Juliet fantasy but that way, Ness would never have felt the indescribable raw feeling she had now. 

She felt peeled, left out in the open like an orange and set on a windowsill to slowly dry. Ness felt her life essence slipping out with each flowing tear; she felt that she would crumble away where she stood and 'Henry' would be left in her wake. 

"Daddy's right here," she spoke to her stomach, pressing Joel's hand to her side. 

The recoil of her son made more tears form in her eyes; he did not recognize this man either. 

_"Jelly Belly," Joel said, coming up behind Ness and cradling her heavy stomach. "Henry, I think you're killin' your mother's back."_

_Ness rested her head back on Joel's shoulder with a relieved exhale, lolling her head against him. "Don't tell him that, he'll get a complex." She press her hand to the front of her stomach, earning a fluttery kick in return. "And you know that Daddy's gonna give you a way better name."_

_"I am, I am, I'm just thinking about it," Joel added, staring down at Ness's globous belly. "Alan? I was thinking Alan."_

_Ness looked at Joel's profile with a polite grin. "This is probably your last chance and you're thinking Alan?"_

_Joel chuckled, his stern face breaking into a beam of sunshine. "No pressure."_

_"Absolutely no pressure at all."_

_With a sigh, Joel shook his head. "It might be better in the moment. I'll see his little face and then it'll just fit."_

_Ness rolled her eyes at Joel, nudged her nose into his neck. "You talk to Ellie?"_

_"No," Joel said quickly. "Not since this morning."_

_"That's something." Ness kissed the warm skin just under Joel's jaw. "She's coming around. And just in time, she gets the pick at the middle name, right?"_

_Joel smiled, resting his chin on top of Ness's head. "Right. I just hope she don't choose something crazy like...Gatlin or Glock."_

_"She'll do just fine. That's why we gave her the responsibility, right?" Ness patted at Joel's hairy cheek._

_"Right, she can't do no wrong." Joel said, pressing his lips to Ness's forehead before gently distending her belly back._

"Ness," Maria spoke up, cutting through Ness's vacant staring at the sleeping man before her. Without warning, another wave of tears trickled down her cheeks, slipping down her chin before dripping down like stalactites. 

Her friend's hand went for her rigid shoulder, almost coaxing her away from the stranger lain on the table. Ness was stern in her stance, not wanting to be pried away from this man's side. He needed somebody with him, even when he had people with him at his most agonizing time. 

Ness now wanted to be there, knowing that it wouldn't change any outcomes. The anger she'd feel if she were there would've put everyone's lives in danger; Ness felt volatile in her gut. If she'd seen what was happening to Joel, she'd have risked life and limb for him just as he would for her, for Ellie. 

Her face scrunched then, knowing that Ellie was there to see him. She hadn't even said anything when she walked into his house. Ness pulled her hand from his hair, not ready to let go. She wanted to keep him under her touch, make sure he never left again. 

"Vanessa," Maria said solemnly. 

Ness jerked her shoulder away, resting her head to the man's chest while her fingers white-knuckled his jacket. She closed her eyes, imagined the warmth of Joel's chest and the kickstarting of his heart fluttering. That was romantic, how he was 'twitterpated' as he called it. Ness thought of him raking his fingers through her hair, draping it all over his shoulders like a thin blanket. 

She thought about tracing his navel, thinking of its swirl while she choked out another bout of tears. Ness was going to stain his jacket, the one she found and he swore he'd never wear anything else.

She wanted to curl into him, fuse to his side like a Clicker did into the walls, and leave their son behind. What could she give him if he didn't have Joel? 

But this wasn't Joel, Ness tried to remind herself. This man was not the man she was so infatuated with, this was a shell of a clone of a natural-born hero. This man would not get down on his knee and present a silver band made from guitar string. 

This man would not make his two best girls watch a movie marathon with him because he wouldn't ask for anything else, nothing else for his birthday because he'd celebrated enough of them, he just wanted to share these classics with them please. Ness tried to smile at that, remembered the metered tantrum he'd had when Ellie said she might not show. 

_"He just wants to spend time with you." Ness said, standing outside of Ellie's studio. "You know how much it means to him."_

_"But you two have...each other," Ellie tried, hiding the childish grimace at the thought of two old people being in love._

_Ness hid a roll of her eyes. "You're his kid, sweet girl. Whether you want to be or not. He's not gonna forget about you even if you try to."_

_Ellie dropped her head. "No. I know, that's not what I meant. I just don't want to see you two makeout."_

_"We do not_ make out, _Ellie. We're mature adults."_

_Ellie's face flattened, her finger pointing from her crossed arms. "What about that night at the bar?"_

_"That was different. It'd been too long since we'd had a drink." Ness shook her head. "Consider it, okay? I'm making a chocolate cake."_

"I'm not leaving him," Ness said finally, nudging her cheek to the man's cold chest. No warmth, no invitation, no arm to wrap around her and tell her to 'stay, get closer even'.

She wanted more time, and more time after that. Ness was not ready to pry away from this man because he was all she had left. 


End file.
